I have a friend who apologized to me a couple of days ago. A few days later he apologized that he apologized. While digging deeper into his struggles, he shared with me the following. He had neglected a particular favor I had asked of him. He was busy with many things and those things turned into obstacles for granting me my favor. As he realized it, he apologized.
But he said he felt a longing to apologize. Somewhere deep inside of him was an intention however little and dormant that ‘I am a good person as I am apologizing for my mistake. I have the magnanimity to accept it’ we all are no different from my friend
Man can never have a purified intention. This is the doctrine of Original Sin. It says that Man’s intentions and purpose for doing things got corrupted and he since then has to put much effort to have rectitude of intention. He can give but cautiously doubting the other rather than trusting. He can dispense knowledge but liberally wishing to present his eloquence than to edify the other. He can do a lot of selfless work and when it is time for glory, he may be unable to discern how much the work is selfish and selfless. He can help a friend and not know if he wills to do it because he desires the friend’s good, whether he would do it if his friend was his competitor, whether he is doing it because he has spare time and he has anyways nothing more useful to do. He can donate but wonders what point is donation if no one knows about it or if it is not appreciated.
Basically, with Original sin, Man desired self-glory and hence our intentions have been perverted. Whenever it comes to doing anything that does not involve ourselves, we somehow manage to include ourselves whether in trumpeting our contributions, desiring to be the funniest, or simply to be different and seek attention. The first Man desired to be like God, his first sin, known as Original Sin. Its effects today are seeking ourselves through everything.
And this has imprisoned us. Somehow every good thing you want to do will come with a tinge of self-interest which mostly roots in pride: seeking the glory of self. Humble people perhaps the saints may have had more rectitude of intention than most of us. My friend apologized found scores of people to apologize and thank. While it is really noble to apologize, how much of it is caused by a contrite heart that is really sorry for its sin is left to introspection.
We all have perceptions of ourselves. We are fooling ourselves if we think we are awful people. More or less every one of us has some vague perception that we are good people. We think-‘I am not like the bad world everyone is discussing over coffee’. So while we generally or vaguely accept that we are good people, we are concerned when not having said sorry or thanked the person enough, because we are scared people might not think we are good anymore. If we know we are good and others share the same opinion, it is our greatest treasure. “I have to do things faster as they all know me as very efficient and independent”. We don’t ask for help and often mess things up. “I have to study this well as I am known as a good student”. We try to go out of our way to prove people right. Our action or atonement is more caused by worry of our goodness being at stake than our contrition for being fallen creatures.
And hence we are imprisoned by our perception of self- ‘I am a good person’. Many times we are going to do things well or quickly or neatly because we want to showcase to others we are fine people. We want to be little gods everywhere seeking self-glory wherever we can. We are imprisoned by these perceptions and it is not going to go away anytime soon unless one has a humble and contrite heart. For a humble and contrite heart, God does not despise1. I now understand in so many ways what Jesus means when he says, I am the truth. It means all goodness and grace comes from him.
We have muddled and confounded our intentions and perceptions of things. Often we can say we are good Christians and deep inside of us always aspiring to better our image. Many highly esteem us but we won’t stop until they keep little trophies in their drawing rooms. We really seem to believe that we are good people and it all seems to come from us because we choose it or cooperate with good things we do. Jesus says this truth shall set you free. The truth simply is that the angel said to Joseph: She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins2
We keep forgetting that if Jesus was sent to save the world, of course we are sinful people. If it wasn’t so, then why would a savior had to be sent to suffer and die for our sins? We are imprisoned in our perceptions until we accept mercy that no matter how much we try, how much we try to grow in love, virtue, and grace, we cannot completely get rid of pride.
All of the saints died still considering themselves sinners that God must have mercy upon. They were simply adhering to the truth that set them free. We are all sinners the sooner we know it, the sooner we stop this self-investment of creating trophies of ourselves in the other people’s houses. That is why humble people who don’t have pride allow God to do great things within them. For they go not where glory lies but renounce all those desires being ready to be broken, wasted, and trampled upon so that the path is straightened for God to do his work.
1 Psalms 51:17
2 Matthew 1:21
Posts
